Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
