I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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