Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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