so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
