you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize