You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
