omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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