New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
