all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.