Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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