I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
