Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
