my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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