She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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