You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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