I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
