Will you blow on my dice?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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