i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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