apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Shame - the story of my life.
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