dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She bit a glass in half.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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