i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
