i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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