no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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