I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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