Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
