Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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