I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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