Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
