So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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