i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
