Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
