I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
COCAINE IS GR8
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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