I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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