i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
