God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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