Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
