I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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