My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
