I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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