you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
