If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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