Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
