More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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