im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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