I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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