My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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