you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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