It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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