If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
