Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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