Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
