why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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