Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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