your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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