Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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