My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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